New Vain post: Me, My Mom, and Color Me Beautiful

I wrote a mother’s day tribute to my mom about our family’s obsession with the classic 80s “color system”, Color Me Beautiful. You know, the one that divided everyone into seasons and winters got to wear all the best colors? My mom and I used to disagree on colours all the time, and it was totally this book’s fault.

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I don’t think I really captured the drama of our fights in this post, but I didn’t want to write something that would hurt my mom’s feelings. (My family is very waspy and repressed, and I’m a sensitive snowflake, so I really do remember these disagreements as actual fights. Being made to wear colours I didn’t like really, really bothered me. Which is how you know I had a very stable and secure childhood, because wearing salmon was the worst thing I had to complain about.)

I like the xoVain commenters a lot, and I think one of them is an angel from heaven because she commented with this video.

I HAD NO IDEA THIS EXISTED. I’m so sad I didn’t include it in the post! There are so many good parts, like:

  1.  This terrible song
  2. Susy is so into this blush. She doesn’t care that you don’t like it.
  3. Fashion quiz! What’s your clothing personality? I hope you’re not the classic type because  she’s “medium everything” and it sounds like waking death
  4. Remember when Dave Foley would dress up like a woman on Kids in the Hall? This woman really reminds me of that
  5. SALMON

Do your makeup like a show dog

New xoVain post: how to do your makeup like the CJ, the winner of the Westminster Kennel Club’s Fancy Dog Beauty Pageant.

CJ is a very pretty dog with lots of spots, so I did a look with chocolate eyeshadow and drawn-on freckles. Remember, people, I’m not a makeup artist. I’m a librarian with a lot of makeup, an internet connection and a little too much free time.

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This is not CJ. This is a dog that I forced to model for me in a parking lot in Palm Springs. He snuffled all over my fancy Charlotte Tilbury palette and now I’m afraid to use it.

New beauty icon: Flamboyant Cuttlefish

If I could have any beauty-enhancing surgery, I think I’d opt for a skin transplant from the Flamboyant Cuttlefish–but only on my eyelids. I could go from a smoky eye to a bright highlighted look in seconds, over and over and over …

According to National Geographic, these flashy ocean creatures are also known for their “bizarre behavior”, which seems a bit judgy to me. What constitutes normal cephalopod behavior, anyways? Maybe the Flamboyant Cuttlefish is just tired from being so fierce all the time.

I HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT HIGHLIGHTERS

why?

Why is every company releasing a million highlighters this summer?

Are we all supposed to own 9 different highlighters now?

Is this contouring’s fault? Did it happen because contouring’s so big now? You guys all know that contouring palettes come with highlighters in them, right?

Or are we now making highlighters for every skin color? Because that would be nice.

But seriously, why does everyone want to look shiny all the time? My skin’s natural state is shiny as hell.  And highlighter makes my skin look like an orange peel.